i was losing myself to somebody else.let's talk about yesterday and today.
yesterday morning started off lovely.while i was walking down to the bus stop in the morning,i saw a kitten smeeling the flowers,felt the cool breeze sweep past me more times than i could count,luxuriated in the quietness and peace that can only my earphones can give me,gloried in the ability to take my time walking down,and laugh at late goers frantically trying to hail cabs.for once in a very long time,i felt what it was like to have my life back under control,to know what's going to happen,to have finished my homework on time,and to be actually on time for once.
today,was a stark contrast.
i woke up at 7.15 and i was almost late.thankfully my dad sent me to school.and when i got there,i had to rush my gp compre which i had no inclination towards.skipped whitby because i didn't bring my book then went for math where i felt absolutely like shit cos i didn't do my homework and ms chua looked so disappointed,it made me feel like i wasn't doing her justice.went back to class and cried like crazy.it was a wild day;and a lot of emotions were building up.thank god karen mugalot and sophie were there.sigh.then i rushed all my work and got home and slept.
somehow,this time the sleep doesn't seem like it will cure the heartache and the agedness that i seem to feel.even if it would,it would take quite a lot to forget everything.
i see the j1s getting their posting results back today,and i think.and i feel completely detached,yet i feel strangely involved.familiar faces that i've never been introduced today aren't gonna be there anymore;completely new ones will replace them in 2 days.and i wonder in that sea of floating faces,will we ever find one that draws us close?
it remind me of a02.the pain that we went through,the time we spent together.jeff told me 'we can't expect them to share the same experience as us,we can't make them feel something by telling them how it's like.' that's so true.even sheryl,who wasn't in a02 for the 1st three months can say 'it's so difficult to get a class like ours.' and we throw that all away.what happened to our meetings in the morning at the grandstand when we complained about late nights and excessive homework and laughed at people walking past?i walk past every morning hoping to catch a glimpse of the us that used to be,but i see that our familiar space has been replaced by a new j1 class.we eat at separate tables,completely ignorant of each other's presence.we keep secrets from one another,we have no idea what's happening in each other's life.we drift away after school ends,we all don't even make an effort to come together outside of school anymore.this is not my a02.i feel like i don't know you guys anymore.we've grown into complete strangers,and my heart aches everytime i think of this.when it all falls apart,will we be there to catch each other when we fall?i miss the 1st three months.i'd give anything,ANYTHING just to go back.i miss so much.
i miss ruth and chris being despo and giving guys ratings,i miss cassie gossipping over ugly boys,i miss teasing suzie about crashing the cymbals in the morning,i miss brynner's teasing charmaine and angus,i miss mugalot ponning lessons and coming to school sleepy eyed,i miss sheng's jokes,i miss our slack jawed awe at karen'ts art,i miss shermin's enthusiasm,i miss steph's singing in class,i miss slacking in gr34,i miss laughter at the tables,i miss talentime.i miss the hugging and laughing,i miss the tears,i miss the bond that we fought so hard to preserve.
we'll never be the same,that's for sure,but are not going to work to not maintain it?i don't want to leave,knowing that i could have more of what we shared.i miss you guys so much.
slowly but surely,everything fades.
i need to find my way home.
playing;theveronicas;when it all falls apart.
